Are you truly happy?
The happiness series part 2 — Three macros of happiness, empty nest syndrome, and redefining success.
One of the first medical drama TV series I ever saw was House. In this show, a genius doctor called House solves puzzling cases of patients with bizarre illnesses. Coming up with the right diagnosis was always challenging and that’s what gave him a kick each day.
Getting happiness from deep, challenging work isn’t limited to fictional characters:
I knew a programmer who used to unwind from his tiring day job by coding after work for hours at night.
A taxi driver we recently met in India loves driving people from one city to another. As he drove us out of the traffic-packed streets of Delhi, he found immense pleasure in fighting the traffic. He took pride in beating Google Maps and taking us through routes less known.
In one of the episodes of House, one of his patients is a highly successful politician but is despised by everyone. Trying to find common grounds with House, he remarked something along these lines:
Unlike normal people, you and I don’t need love and family to feel fulfilled. We have our work for that.
I have always wondered since then — Is our work, however engaging and challenging, enough to keep us happy?
At the end of a long workday, you’d see the genius doctor back in his home all by himself. As you’d see him playing piano with a glass of whiskey on the side, it wasn’t solitude. He felt lonely.
You’d wish him a loving wife and kids to go back home to. You’d wish him a bunch of close friends to play poker with. You’d wish him love, family, and friendships.
Time for a thinking exercise 💭👇
Imagine your life 5 years from now. You are truly happy, the happiest you’ve ever been.
Which are the five most important factors responsible for your happiness? List them in order, starting with what’s making you the happiest.
If you think hard enough, the top three factors will include the following in your life:
The best of physical, mental, and emotional health.
If you have kids, the well-being of your kids.
Love, family, and relationships.
According to Arthur Brooks, a social scientist, and best-selling author, if your top three factors are dominated by money, power, pleasure, or fame, you need to think harder. These things can help get what you want but they can’t bring you intrinsic happiness.
Instead, people who are truly happy are the ones who focus on the three macros of happiness.
3 macros of happiness
Yes, just like proteins, fats, and carbs are three essential macros of your nutrition, happiness also has three macros — enjoyment, satisfaction, and purpose.
To be a truly happy person:
You need to enjoy life… a no-brainer! (Enjoyment)
You need reward (and joy) for a job well done, meeting your goal, etc. (Satisfaction)
You need some meaning in life, i.e, why were you born, what are you willing to die for (Purpose)
Maybe you get enjoyment and satisfaction from your work. But is that something you are willing to die for?
There are many things in life that offer enjoyment and satisfaction. But when it comes to purpose, I don’t know of a higher purpose in my life. What I do know for sure is that my kids are a source of immense happiness and joy. Nurturing them provides me satisfaction like nothing else. I’m willing to live and die for them and for my family!
Although it’s not a world-changing purpose, having a purpose more than yourself makes one truly happy. Getting out of the ‘me’ mindset, my job, my money, my house, my promotion, my car, etc. makes one happy.
Empty nest syndrome
It is a lot of fun and excitement raising kids. Kids grow each year. The reality is that eventually, they’ll grow up enough and have their own life. Lately, I find our friends in their late 30s and 40s wondering what my husband and I wonder:
What would home feel like when kids are all grown up and leave?
Turns out that parents do experience grief when their children move out of their homes. So much so that there’s a name for it, the empty nest syndrome.
What happens to your happiness then?
To avoid the empty nest syndrome later in life, Arthur Brooks suggests that you nurture a relationship with your spouse that’s more of a friendship than passion. He offers his million-dollar advice to his wealthy clients.
It sounds cheesy but it’s practical life advice, the secret to happiness is love. He encourages couples to have more things in common other than kids. He encourages people to spend most time enjoying life with the person they’ll be with in their dying breath.
People who don’t have a partner can be equally happy if they have very close friendships. They are friends you can call at 2:00 a.m. They are the ones who are always updated on what’s happening in your life. They are the ones who’re always there for you. It’s best to invest in such friendships early on in life.
In our success-addicted society, where success is defined by money, power, and fame, we need to take a step back…or rather forward….to see what makes us truly happy. We need to redefine success in terms of health, love, and relationships.