Balancing tough love with encouragement

The Mentor’s Dilemma

Every mentor, leader, or parent faces a tricky challenge: How to give critical feedback without crushing confidence?

You want to help someone grow, improve their performance, and reach their full potential. But critique—no matter how constructive—can feel like a punch to the gut. 👊 Imagine telling your child right before an exam that they’ve been using the wrong strategy. They’ll either freeze up, overthink everything, or (if they’re particularly dramatic) claim their academic career is over. 😭

It’s human nature. No one likes feeling like they’re not good enough. Even the most logical people (yes, even you, spreadsheet-loving, KPI-tracking leaders) are ruled by emotions. That’s why giving tough feedback without deflating motivation is what we call the mentor’s dilemma—and it applies to leadership, parenting, and teaching alike.

So, how do you point out the gaps without discouraging them?

In leadership, it’s about the “pushy boss” trap

In leadership, it’s a fine line between being an inspiring coach and a pushy boss. Give too little feedback, and your team won’t grow. Give too much, and they’ll start updating their resumes.

The solution is what the experts call wise feedback. It’s not just about pointing out mistakes. It’s about reinforcing your belief in their ability to improve. Instead of just saying, “This presentation missed the mark,” try, “Your presentation lacked x, y, and z. I know you have a great eye for details and can improve it now that you know what’s missing.”

People don’t just need to know what’s wrong, They need to know they have what it takes to fix it.

A little belief goes a long way.

In parenting, it’s the never-ending good cop, bad cop cycle

If you’re a parent, you might think, “My kids know I believe in them! I don’t need to spell it out every time I correct them.”

Wrong.

Just as you feel the need to point out every mistake (so they don’t repeat it—because that’s how parenting works), 😅 you also need to consistently assure them that they can fix it. Kids don’t automatically translate criticism into “Oh, this means my parent believes in my potential.” No, they translate it into “Ugh, I can never do anything right.”

Wise feedback in parenting not only softens the blow of critique but also encourages a growth mindset. It teaches kids that mistakes aren’t failures. Instead, they’re stepping stones.

But let’s be real—this is easier said than done. It’s common for one parent to lean more toward encouragement while the other takes on the “bad cop” role. Dad’s the cheerleader, Mom’s the tough critic. (Or vice versa, because life is unpredictable.)

The problem? Being the “bad cop” forever is exhausting. It’s a good idea to switch roles now and then. Let the encouraging parent give the tough love and the tough parent dish out some praise. Kids need both from both parents.

Finding the balance

Whether you’re leading a team or raising a child, the key is the same:

critique + belief = growth.

It’s not about sugarcoating feedback or avoiding tough conversations. It’s about making sure the person on the receiving end walks away knowing they have what it takes to do better next time.

So next time you’re giving feedback, ask yourself:

✅ Am I making it clear what needs improvement?
✅ Am I reinforcing my belief in their ability to improve?

Get both right, and you’ll be the kind of mentor, leader, or parent that truly helps people grow. 🙌