Don't tell me what to do 😡 — Reactance bias
I'm not in control, the safety of many options, and magic words for others/self.
My high school teacher was a disciplinarian. She despised students paying time and attention to their looks, like styling their hair, growing their fingernails, etc. One day, she noticed a student flaunting her long fingernails with shiny red nail polish.
“I’m going to let it pass today but I don’t want to see this red nail polish tomorrow”, she said firmly.
The next day, the rebel girl came back with her fingernails painted pink 💅
It’s not just teenagers who have a ‘Don’t tell me what to do’ attitude.
The more you tell toddlers or even babies not to do something, the more they want to do it.
Parents of toddlers use the reverse psychology to their advantage. Magical manipulations like “Whatever you do, don’t tidy up your room” are listed in the Frustrated Parents Guide for Getting Messy Rooms Cleaned 😉
You’d think we become wiser as we grow. Nop.
The more you’re told not to have desserts 🍰 the more you crave them.
The more you’re told to exercise 🏋️♂️ the more you sink into your lazy boy.
The more someone tries to force their point of view, the more you believe in the opposite stance. Happens in interactions with our parents, spouse, boss, etc.
When we’re forced to do something, we feel that our freedom of making choices is threatened.
And boy! we can go to all extremes to ascertain our freedom of making choices. Even if it’s something we wouldn’t choose to do otherwise.
The mental mistake of doing the opposite of what you’re told just to ascertain your freedom of choice is called the Reactance bias.
One reason for this bias can be loss aversion. More on it in this post. We don’t want to lose the freedom of choice.
Besides loss aversion, there are two more insecurities in our minds that can lead us to the reactance bias👇
I don’t like the idea that I’m not in control
You have a higher desire to do what you’re forbidden from.
Teenagers with parents who are very strict about ‘not drinking or staying out late’ are keener on breaking the rules than teenagers with parents who are more flexible.
Like all other biases, just being aware of this bias can help us make smarter decisions. Gain the power to not be controlled by your first/primitive emotions.
When you’re feeling like you’re not in control, take a deep breath. Ignore the options presented to you. Ask yourself, “What is it that you really want?” 🤔
I want the safety net of many options
When buying a gadget, we look for more features. We pay more for devices with more features, even if those features are minor or would never be used.
Look at any washing machine settings. How many settings are there in all? How many settings do you actually use?
While buying, the idea that I can do this, this, this, and more 🤩 is comforting.
Advertisers and marketers use this idea against us. More features, more the cost. Sometimes, they create the illusion of taking away an option so you desire it more. If the smartphone in red is out of stock, that’s the one you want.
When bombarded with options, take a step back and ask yourself, “What is the main reason I’m buying this product?”
Try to choose from options that you have instead of craving for the one ☝️ that’s not available.
What can you do to prevent the reactance bias from affecting others and yourself?
Here are the magic words you can use.
Magic words for others — ✨But you’re free to✨
Let’s say you want to persuade others to do something. Maybe you want your work team to try a new strategy. Maybe you want to persuade your kids to spend more time outdoors. Maybe you want your spouse’s help in cooking.
Soon after you present your idea, follow it up with “But you’re free to..”
I came across this new technique for brainstorming. Give it a shot. But you’re free to choose any other methods.
I saw neighboring kids playing this fun game, cops and robbers. Why don’t you join them? But you’re free to work out at home.
I need your help cooking dinner, honey. But you’re free to continue what you’re doing.
Giving them the option to choose assures them that they are not being coerced into doing something.
It’s surprising how reminding people that they can say no makes them more likely to say yes.
These magic words are, of course, more effective in person than over email or social media.
Magic words for self — ✨I have to want to✨
The reactance bias isn’t limited to turning others against our ideas. It can even work against us.
This happens when we try to force rules upon ourselves, “I have to skip dessert this week”, “I have to go to the gym four times this week”, etc.
You could have gone without a dessert all week. You were happily working out in the gym. As soon as you turn it into a constraint, something inside of you turns rebellious. Suddenly, there’s a decline in motivation. Procrastination kicks in.
To keep up the motivation, remind yourself that you don’t have to do those things, instead, you want to.
Changing from the “I have to” mindset to the “I want to” mindset is liberating. You feel in control.
When you want to do something, you’re more likely to enjoy it. When you enjoy it more, you’ll do a better job.
If you enjoyed this read, hit Reply/Comment and let me know. Or share it with a friend. But you’re free to keep it to yourself 😉