How to build trust?

Transparency doesn't work.

Recently, I had a surprising revelation about trust. Making things transparent evokes trust—That’s what I used to think. In reality, it’s the opposite.

Transparency doesn’t guarantee trust.

In fact, if you’re relying on transparency to trust someone, there is no trust. Holds true for personal and professional relationships.

Think about it. If you need to go through your partner’s phone to feel secure in your relationship, it’s not trust—it’s doubt wearing a thin veil. That relationship is either doomed or on the fast track to disaster. Similarly, if your boss demands to see detailed breakdowns of how you spend every hour of your 40-hour workweek, they’re not trusting you to get the job done. They’re monitoring you because trust has already been lost.

I experienced this firsthand in my first job as a marketer. My role involved visiting schools to sell teacher training workshops, and I used my scooter 🛵 to commute. The company reimbursed me for petrol based on the distances I reported. For months, this system worked smoothly—until one day, my boss asked me to submit meter readings for every trip.

At the time, I didn’t think much of it. But looking back, I see it for what it was: my boss had lost trust in my word. That request for “transparency” wasn’t about clarity—it was about the absence of trust.

“If we need transparency, we’ve given up on trust.”
—Rachel Botsman, author of Who Can You Trust?

When you truly trust someone, you don’t need transparency. What you need is faith.

Your spouse is late getting home—do you assume they’re working late, or do you suspect something worse? Your subordinate isn’t performing at their best—do you think they’re slacking off because they’re job-hunting, or do you consider that something might be wrong at home?

Trust is believing the best in someone, even when you don’t have proof.

Of course, trust isn’t always straightforward. Context matters.

Trust is subjective

You can trust one person, product, or company in one area, but not in others. For example, you might trust Facebook to reconnect you with your classmates but not to handle your data responsibly. You might trust a friend to make you laugh but not to give you heartfelt advice. You might trust your spouse to fix the Wi-Fi router but not to decipher the mysterious hieroglyphs on the washing machine controls. 😅

Trust isn’t an all-or-nothing concept—it’s layered, nuanced, and situational.

So, instead of relying on transparency as a crutch, how do we actually build trust?

4 traits of trust

Rachel Botsman, the author of Who Can You Trust? offers a helpful framework:

1. Hard traits of trust—How you do things:

   1. Competence

   2. Reliability

2. Soft traits of trust—Why you do things:

   1. Empathy

   2. Integrity

How you do things

Two hard traits that build trust:

Competence:

Do you have the knowledge, skills, and expertise to do what you’re supposed to? If people believe you’re capable, they’re more likely to trust you.

Reliability:

Can others depend on you consistently? Do you show up when you say you will? Do you respond to messages, emails, or calls on time? In the workplace, it could mean being punctual or delivering solid work regularly. In relationships, it’s about being present consistently, both emotionally and physically.

Imagine you’re on a first date, and they’re fully engaged, laughing at your jokes, and making you feel like the only person in the room. But on the second date, they’re distracted, checking their phone, and barely listening. You wouldn’t trust them for a third date, would you?

Trust wavers when reliability isn’t steady.

Why you do things

The other two traits that build trust are:

Empathy

Do you care? Do people feel heard and understood when they’re with you?

Integrity:

Do your words align with your actions? It’s not about what you say; it’s about what you do. And that brings me to one of my all-time favorite quotes: ⬇️

“It’s not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you.”
—Batman

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Both sides—hard and soft traits—are equally important.

Competence and reliability show people how you operate, while empathy and integrity reveal why you act the way you do. Together, they form the foundation of trust.

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Why this matters

Understanding these traits helps us see trust for what it really is—a delicate balance of actions and intentions. It helps us evaluate why we trust (or don’t trust) someone and offers a roadmap for becoming more trustworthy ourselves.

In our relationships, trust allows us to feel safe, supported, and valued. At work, it builds stronger teams, better communication, and greater efficiency.

And perhaps most importantly, trust inspires us to believe in the best—not just in others, but in ourselves.

Let’s stop depending on transparency as a substitute for trust. Instead, let’s focus on cultivating the traits that build trust—competence, reliability, empathy, and integrity.

Because when trust is present, it has the power to transform relationships, workplaces, and lives.