The unwanted wants
Stealing the following exercise from the wonderful book I’m reading, The Way of Integrity, by the amazing Martha Beck:
Think of one thing you craved this past week when you saw someone else enjoying it. Maybe it was a beautiful dress someone wore gracefully on your social media feed. Or maybe a new car or house you spotted online. Or like me, you were wowed by a chic hairstyle a model sported in an advertisement.
I’ll go first—Lately, I’ve been coming across long, wavy, beautifully colored and styled hair. Confession: I recently searched YouTube for the best way to color your hair without chemicals. With grey hair starting to shine on my head, I can’t help but look for a solution.
Now, imagine you get exactly what you want.
Take a moment and experience it.
Physical sensations:
How does it feel sitting behind the brand-new steering wheel or feeling the fabric of the new dress against your skin? Try to notice the physical sensations as much as you can. Write them down or say them out loud, even if just in your mind.
Emotional sensations:
What words would you use to describe your emotional sensations?
Here’s mine:
I’d feel the silky, long, dark, and shiny hair bouncing off my shoulders as I walk… I’d feel stunning, just as I did when I got my hair done professionally for a family wedding. I looked great in the wedding pics—perfect to show off to the world! 😉
Next and more interesting part of the exercise:
Imagine something you crave when you’re sitting idle, alone, with no company—neither in person nor online….Maybe you’re looking out the window, watching raindrops fall, or feeling a gentle breeze while walking in the park.
What do you yearn for?
Once you’ve found your yearning, imagine getting it for real.
Now describe your physical and emotional sensations.
For me, that would be a long run along the coast, through the woods. I’d hear the birds chirping. I’d see the clear, blue sky through the gaps in the dense, green branches of gigantic trees. I’d breathe in awe as I realize yet again the enormity of this universe and my inconspicuous, tiny presence in it.
Next, compare the differences in sensations between the experiences.
One is a want, driven by external influences—our peers, friends, society.
The other is a yearning, driven by our inner truth—what gives our inner being satisfaction, calm, and a sense of meaning.
There are stark differences between what we want all the time and what our inner self, our deepest, truest, most authentic self, is yearning for. Let’s look at what those differences are:
Culture versus nature
We are social beings and are always, often unconsciously, trying to conform to the culture we were raised in and the culture we live in—whether it’s where you grew up or where you work. Abiding by cultural norms isn’t a bad thing, of course. But when we repeatedly choose to silence our inner voice over “what we are supposed to do,” it conflicts with our happiness.
Longevity of satisfaction
Wants bring temporary delight. It’s a quick high followed by a quicker low. The joy of a new car, new house, new dress, or new hairstyle—however enchanting at first—starts to feel pretty normal pretty soon. Our mind then starts plotting, “What’s next?”
Yearnings, instead, are like recharging the batteries of life. You can close your eyes long after you’ve experienced them and still feel the inner calm you were blessed with the first time around.
Desire for better
Most times, “what’s next” results in a better version of the want—a better salary, a better car, a bigger house. Inner yearnings, on the other hand, are good for life as-is. You feel happiness every time you take the hike, even if it’s the nth time. You feel the same awe diving deep into the ocean or riding the waves (if that’s your thing), even if you do it at the same spot for years and years.
Draining vs. charging
One drains your mental energy in its pursuit, while the other bestows the gift of mental clarity and wellness.
Surprisingly, wants and yearnings are not limited to “what I like to do in my free time.”
This holds true for all areas of life, including work—especially work. Mainly because we often measure professional lives by success.
Where work fits in
Success ≠ happiness. We enter the workforce bright-eyed, then chase “shiny opportunities” that promise faster money. Promotions pile on, passion thins out. Even dream jobs can dull when “moving up” means managing people instead of doing the work you love.
Years back, I wrote a tech article that unexpectedly hit #1 on Hacker News. Someone else even posted it for me. My phone lit up, LinkedIn kudos rolled in, and for a day, I felt ten feet tall. Then, the buzz faded as fast as it spiked. And I felt that the piece owed much of its success to the original concept I’d merely re-framed.
Fast-forward to a few months ago: a 10x reader emailed to say these newsletters help her manage depression—that they give her a pocket of peace each week. I was deeply touched and humbled. Bringing even a sliver of calm to one life felt deeper than any headline rush.
The Hacker News post was a mini-victory. Her message is a lasting reminder. Likes fade. Impact lingers. And that, more than any viral spike, is why I keep writing.
Short-lived high: the raise, the viral post. Thrilling… until the buzz dies.
Enduring fulfillment: the project that absorbs you so deeply you lose track of time, or the reader who writes to say your words eased her depression.
Tiny impact, infinite warmth.
When work feeds only wants, burnout is inevitable. When it feeds yearnings—growth, service, connection—joy sticks around.
First step: Notice the difference
How do we tune out the noise and hear the inner voice? Start by admitting it’s there:
Name a want you’re chasing primarily for status or comparison.
Name a yearning that lights you up from the inside out.
Ask which one truly deserves today’s time and energy.
Acknowledgment is step one. Action comes next—and we’ll explore that in future editions. For now, may your week be lighter on wants and richer in yearnings.
Because the dress fades, the car depreciates, but the run under a boundless sky? That feeling is forever. ❤️