The lives you didn't live

Borrowing from my son’s morning pages, where he reflects on his final day as a 12-year-old:

“When you think about it, today is the last time it will ever be October 24 in 2024. It’s the last time it will ever be 9:57 a.m. on October 24, 2024. Today is the last day I’ll be 12 years old. No, I’m not going to say “Time flies, live every day like it’s your last, blah blah blah” I’m going to be talking about my time being 12 years old and my expectations from being 13.”
—Pages from my son’s diary

He goes on to share some highlights from the past year—like how the mango tree he planted when he was little is now taller than him, and how he built his first Roblox game. He also talks about the new freedoms he’ll have at 13, like traveling independently on the bus or MRT and being able to watch PG-13 shows without supervision.

What he doesn’t talk about is regret. There’s no “I wish I’d done this instead of that.” No “I should have done more.”

Just a reflection on what was, and an excitement for what’s to come.

That’s where we adults differ. When I reflect on my year, my mind goes straight to the “should haves”: 😒

• If I’d woken up at 5 a.m. every day, I would have been more productive.

• If I’d promoted my newsletter, I would have more readers.

• If I’d stuck to strength training, I’d be stronger.

• If I’d marketed our business more, we’d have more clients.

But my cringy list of regrets is nothing compared to how Nora felt.

Nora who, you ask?

Nora Seed is a character from The Midnight Library. She’s a 36-year-old music store clerk drowning in regret. She recently lost her job, her cat died, she had a falling out with a bandmate, and she lost her only piano student. Overwhelmed by what felt like a series of wrong turns in life, she decides to end it all.

Somewhere between life and death, she's transported to a special place. It’s called the Midnight Library. Its shelves are full of books, but not ordinary books. Each book is a version of her life that could have been…if she had made a different decision; if she had taken an opportunity she didn't take.

With the help of a wise librarian, Nora began to explore what might have been. She slipped into a life where she pursued her dream of becoming a glaciologist in the Arctic, another where she became a famous rock star, and yet another where she stayed close to her family and never left her small town.

“Between life and death, there is a library, and within that library, the shelves go on forever. Every book provides a chance to try another life you could have lived. To see how things would be different if you had made other choices. Would you have done anything differently, if you had the chance to undo your regrets?”
— The Midnight Library

Through these experiences, Nora realized that each life had its own set of challenges, disappointments, and joys.

The perfect life didn’t exist.

Something similar happened in one of the superhero shows I watched. The 20-something superhero Barry Allen travels back in time to his childhood, to the day when a villain killed his mom.

He manages to prevent her murder, but when he returns to the present, other worse events have happened. These new events are so much worse that he can’t live with the choice he made to change his original timeline. He eventually goes back in time again to reverse things to how they were.

However bad his mother’s murder was, life with his mother alive had its own bigger challenges and disappointments.

The perfect life didn’t exist.

In reality, the perfect life doesn’t exist.

What exists is the opportunity to find contentment in the life we are living.

Nora and Barry Allen's journeys weren’t just about fixing regrets. They were about embracing the present, realizing that every choice had value, and understanding that every life, even with its flaws, held meaning.

Both stories remind us that while it’s natural to wonder “What if?”, the key to fulfillment isn’t in chasing alternate versions of our lives. It lies in embracing the choices we’ve made and finding peace in the present moment. Every path has its ups and downs, and no life is without challenges.

I also believe that no life is without regrets either.

Almost all of us have some regrets, big or small. We might not carry them for years like Nora or Barry, but it’s human to regret. In fact, a small amount of regret can be beneficial. Remember party of regrets? It helps us learn from our mistakes and avoid repeating them in the future.

Instead of wishing for a different outcome though, we should focus on what makes our current life valuable. The present is where growth happens. It’s where you learn, evolve, and ultimately, find peace.

It’s okay to cherish the past. It’s okay to have expectations for yourself and your future.

What’s not okay is to live a life burdened with regrets.

Our lives would be so much more exciting if we lived like my soon-to-be 13-year-old. And now that I think about it, by the time you read this newsletter, he’ll already be 13! 🎂 Wish him a blissful year filled with more dreams, more highs, fewer lows, and almost no regrets. 🙌